Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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