And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Drake has all the answers
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
