i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Randomize