I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
