You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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