i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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