Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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