There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
