In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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