I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
