I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
