i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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