I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
