my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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