CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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