Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
