Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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