Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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