Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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