i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
He has the fingertips of a God
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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