Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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