Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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