She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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