What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
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