tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I just had sex on a roof
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
