life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
