I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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