I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
