My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
