well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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