2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
