you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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