i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
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