Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize