The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
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