guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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