You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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