god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
