I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
