Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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