What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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