Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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