Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
