I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
