I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm getting married
To pizza
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
