I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
