My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
