And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
