Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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