I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
