I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Randomize
