i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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