I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
