Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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