i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
True college students do jello shots in the library
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
