I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
