i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
