quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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