After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize