um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize