you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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