Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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