went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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