my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
