I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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