now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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