oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
