Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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