There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Terrible idea I love it
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
