He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Did I show you my penis last night?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
