I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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