cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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