this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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