weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
