Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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