why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
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