Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
