Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
