If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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